So I have decided to just out it out there that I am scared. I am so so scared. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have so many issues and I just can’t anymore. I have one good thing in my life and he is what is motivating me to push through, but idk how much longer I can. I have made a list if everything bothering me: Fail chemistry and math
800. By June first
Gas two weeks
Library programs starting
Scholarships for next year
Period misse two months
Need to go doctor
Working but no time—class
And this is why I am suffering. I am just so scared right now.
Why can’t I ever tell you how I feel? Why do you have to make me the bad guy? I can’t help I miss you all week then come home to find out I can’t see you and get pissed. But no, I can’t even tell you I’m pissed because it’s my fault. It always is. I wish you would take a little responsibility sometimes. Geeze. Why are you on my case about me feeling bad because I can’t see you!? It’s not my fault I have other things I have to do and other people that I want to see. Keep in mind you are the one an only reason I come home, because if it wasn’t for you I would stay. I don’t want you to feel bad. I don’t want to be upset. There is nothing you can do so just stop. I am at my limit. I come home for you and I am kicked to the curb if anyone else needs anything. I am here for three days. Then gone for four. I want to see you I need to see you. Why is that so hard for you to comprehend!? I am not going to sit here and take the shit you are putting me through. I wish I could tell you all if this. But I will keep it to myself like always in order to make you happy. I want to tell you I am pissed I haven’t heard from you in two days but I won’t. I don’t want to have to make you talk to me. I don’t want you to feel bad that I feel neglected. I just want you to understand. I need you.
So my dad bought the entire family some dirt bikes and I thought it was a bad idea the whole time. We’ll now he is selling the dang things because no one wants to ride anymore. I predicted this the whole time but what do I know? Ugh I wish people would listen to me sometimes.
I am such a mess. I am getting so distraught because I am not getting to see my boyfriend this weekend. We’ll if it helps I go to school two an a half hours away from where we live so I only get to see him on the weekends. But I can’t go home because I don’t have the money for gas and my parents suck. They won’t help me any and I am going on what money i make from my work study. (Which isn’t much) I have to pay for groceries electric bill and my gas which uses a full tank when I go home. But the thing is I really don’t want to go home. It’s my dad’s weekend and I hate it. I dot like going to his house or it’s really someone else’s. He says with his best friend because he just got a divorce and doesn’t have the money for a house. Or I say that I dot know where his money really goes. Not like he has any bills or anything. But the reason I don’t want to go over there is because I can’t shower and I typically sleep on an air mattress with my little brother and sister or on a love seat. It’s sob uncomfortable and I hate it. I feel bad for leaving the other three to deal with it, but there is nothing I can do for them. And to throw a little information about my dad, he just got his taxes back and instead of getting a house or furniture e bought the entire family dirt bikes and riding gear. All except for me. I got a hundred dollar bill. Why am I complaining? Because he hasn’t given me gas money since and I am outbid money. I have used all my savings paying for gas, but I can’t do that anymore. I don’t know what to do Brian can’t come up here because he claims he doesn’t have the money and I am falling apart at the seams. All’s well that ends well I guess.